


Something Human in the Chaos

by chocolatecrack



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Canon Compliant, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Romance, Yamada-centric, all the members ship it, because of course they would, but there's a little angst sneaked in the middle, it ends well i promise, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 08:48:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7838311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolatecrack/pseuds/chocolatecrack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And then he just does it.</p><p>It’s a minute and a half till show time and Yuto grabs his hand, laces his fingers in between his and their hands fit oh-so perfectly, it’s like the world meant for their puzzle pieces to go together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something Human in the Chaos

**Author's Note:**

> AAAAAAAAAAND I have finally done it. I wrote a fic for these two. My online friends have completely converted me into YutoYama trash and I regret nothing, HAHAHA. Title comes from Hélène Cixous, from “Olivier De Serres- A Single Passion Two Witnesses,” Love Itself: In the Letter Box. I also used it as the inspiration for this fic, as well as the opening quote. Un-beta'd because I was looking for a beta but no one would bite, I'm sad. Haha! Anw, hope you enjoy reading! chocolatecrack @ LJ, scenesinmoonstruck @ tumblr, tobikko_2007 @ twitter if you guys wanna talk!

_I clung to your hands so that something human might exist in the chaos.  
– Hélène Cixous –_

* * *

 

Yamada was always nervous before a show.

Almost 10 years in a group, and 12 freakin’ years in this goddamn industry, and he still gets nervous. A lot.

Sometimes he thinks it’s his own insecurities and weaknesses that trouble him, clawing at him from the back of his mind telling him _you’ll mess up_ or _you’ll forget a lyric_ or _you’ll fall off the stage_ and he tries his best to drown out the tiny voice by repeating their debut song. Over and over and over, in his head.

_Jumping to my dream. Jumping to my dream. Jumping to my dream._

There are times when he just repeats the chorus, because it is so much easier to remember. But then his line comes up and the moment his mind sings _せつないこの地球(_ _ココロ)_ _で_ he stops because there is it again.

 _You’ll mess up, you’ll forget a lyric, you’ll fall off the stage_.

Ugh.

Stop.

This is not going well.

So he shakes his head vigorously, getting rid of the tune, rewinding it, and starts over. Again.

_J Johnny's   U Ultra    M Music     P Power  
J Join Together   U Universe   M Music    P and Peace_

Okay, so far so good.

_喜び悲しみ　受け入れて生きる_

And there it is.

He stops again, stares into the nothingness of a wall because, right. It’s Yuto.

It’s Yuto who is singing.

14 year-old Nakajima Yuto singing _I live accepting the happiness and sorrow_.

And that’s just a little ironic now, isn’t it?

Because they both have been nothing but happiness and sorrow, all throughout the years.

Happiness – 11 year-old Yamada Ryosuke gets into Johnny’s Entertainment and 10 year-old Nakajima Yuto takes him under his wing.

Sorrow – Tired. He was just so tired. And he had a long way to go. Why did he do this again?

Happiness – Yuto falling asleep on his shoulder as they ride the train to go home together. Him doing the same thing.

Sorrow – Getting so exhausted and wanting to just quit everything, telling his best friend this because he thought he would understand. Instead, he just got a “What are you saying?” in return and Yuto looking at him like he’s crazy.

Happiness – 13 year-old Yamada Ryosuke and 13 year-old Nakajima Yuto get paired on Shounen Club a bunch of times, most of the time, all the time. At everything. Especially Seishun Amigo.

Sorrow – Not knowing how to put down Yuto’s walls.

Happiness – Getting picked to debut, with Yuto of all people. Staring into his eyes as they sing Dreams by NEWS in Shounen Club, ironically mouthing the lyrics _Why do my tears spill over?_ to each other. But also knowing full well it’ll be him and Yuto from now on. Like it always has been. Like it always will be.

Sorrow – The director asks them to exchange positions in Dreams come true. And his whole world crumbles.

Happiness – Hands in for the group huddle. Mayonaka no Shadow Boy had one _hell_ of a routine, and they were all drained. He grabs Yuto’s hand, no matter how awkward it had been. His hand rests perfectly on top of the other boy's, and it gives him the ache of nostalgia from when they were younger, more innocent. Less separated. Yuto doesn’t pull away. They almost link fingers, almost cross their hands together like they had always done before. Almost.

Sorrow – Before that, though, Yuto _had_ pulled away quite vigorously from him, as if mortified by his slightest touch.

Happiness – Finally getting credit for all of the hard work he puts into his career.

Sorrow – “I’m sorry, but this time I’ll be doing it alone,”

Happiness – “We understand how you’re feeling so do your best!”

Sorrow – Mystery Virgin. Moonlight. No noise, no intricate dance routines for 9 people, no members, no _Yuto_. _I feel so alone_.

Sorrow – “To be honest, I used to not like you,”  
              “I get it. I didn’t like you too,”

Happiness – “Let’s end this already,”  
                   “Understood,”

Happiness – Yuto steals a kiss from his cheek. In front of the whole of Tokyo Dome, for Christ’s sake. Jeez, boy doesn’t give a damn who sees.

Happiness – He relishes in the fact that it feels so damn familiar and so damn comfortable getting a piggy back ride from the taller boy. Like when they were Jrs. _Like old times_.

Happiness – Super Delicate.

Happiness – Friendly rivalry.

Happiness – Yuto being annoyingly cute as hell as he takes tons of his pictures while they film Come On A My House.

Happiness – Knowing full well they’re on the same level now, but are not vying to be on top. Instead they push each other there, supporting each other, giving each other a helping hand.

Happiness – Yuto speaking the Korean he taught him.

Happiness – Yuto getting so much recognition now.

Happiness.

Happiness.

Happiness.

 _Nakajima Yuto_.

That was his happiness.

And as Yuto sings in his head, he understands.

He understands that the happiness outweighs the sorrow. That they got past everything that dared them to fall apart. That they came out stronger and better, apart and together.

That it’s only going to up from now.

Yamada takes a deep breath and starts a countdown in his head. He spots all the other members preparing, hyping themselves, jumping about, trying to remember choreography and recite lyrics and fix parts of their costumes.

And of course, he would. Of course Yuto would.

The boy, all attractive while clad in some big red and gold sparkly jacket, walks up to him, stares at him with eyes full of glow, and smiles.

Stupid smile.

Stupid mesmerizing smile.

“Hey, Ryosuke,”

And he calls him by _his first name_ , the nerve. The nerve this boy had to make his heart flutter and make the butterflies in his stomach freakin’ _burst_ from excitement.

“Hmm?” he manages to reply in a small voice.

“You’re going to be fine,”

Yamada furrows his eyebrows and thinks that maybe Yuto noticed the way he looked. The nervous expression that was plastered onto his features, all transparent and noticeable.

“Thank you,” he replies, smiling at him.

And then he just does it.

It’s a minute and a half till show time and Yuto grabs his hand, laces his fingers in between his and their hands fit oh-so perfectly, it’s like the world meant for their puzzle pieces to go together.

Yuto squeezes his hand in reassurance, silently telling him they were in this together. All of them. All of Hey! Say! JUMP. He doesn’t need to carry all of this on his own.

It feels good. Great. Fantastic, even. Throughout all of this, the mess their lives were, the hectic ways they get tangled up in things, the chaos that was every single day, Yuto would always be there to tell him things were going to be okay.

And they get snapped back into reality because Yabu asks them to line up, telling them the entrance was going to start. The familiar tune of Invitation plays in the background.

 _Dear my love_.

Yuto doesn’t let go of his hand, doesn’t even loosen his hold on him. He holds on tighter actually, and Yamada realizes that this was probably his way of telling him that he himself was nervous.

 _I just want you to know, I’m thanking you for always being there for me_.

The song keeps playing, and it’s not going to stop anytime soon. Their entrance is fast approaching and Yuto is still clinging onto his hand like his life depended on it.

 _You know you’re always in my heart. I can’t wait to see you again_.

He doesn’t know what to do or say, but Yuto keeps staring at him. Like he needs something. He needs something to be able to function right.

 _Yours truly_.

But he doesn’t look to be forcing anything. Like he genuinely needs this. Needs it to be able to go on and do the show. His eyes tell him _it’s okay if you don’t_. But what is it? _What is it?_

The song doesn’t stop. It continues on with its circus-like tune and they can’t, they have to let go, as much as both of them don’t want to. Inoo was to stand between them. So close yet _so far away_ from each other.

_Welcome to the most spectacular show in all the land._

Yuto takes a deep breath and he realizes he does the same. Their breaths now in sync.

One, two.

One, two.

_You will never see anything that is more extravagantly grand._

Yamada thinks of a way. Thinks of the only way to do this. And, goddamn it, please let him be right about this. Please.

 _So Dear, sit back. But be prepared! To be taken to a world you’ve never seen before_.

It’s a little hard to do, what with him being so damn short and Yuto being so damn tall, and the angle’s all wrong, but then it feels like the easiest thing in the world.

Yuto's lips are soft against his, and he thinks of the way their hands fit together perfectly. But their lips were more of an intricate puzzle. Made of years and years of misunderstanding and hurt and separation but also of forgiveness and admiration and growing back together.

It’s not their first. Not their second even. But it feels like it’s a brand new kind of sensation. The kind that makes you open your eyes to something you haven’t been able to see for such a long time. Yuto lifts his other hand, and it cradles the side of his face, holding him steady as the gesture makes his heart beat like a thousand bass drums. Those drums Yuto loves so much. Their hands, the ones holding onto each other, squeeze each other’s tighter, putting all of their emotion to any kind of physical contact because this was something mere words wouldn’t be able to explain.

 _Yamada and Yuto_.

Like it always has been.

And always will be.

The members look once, twice, glance at their direction and both of them are very aware of this happening but don’t care much at all. They’re probably going to get teases and _FINALLY!_ s after this, a few pats on the back, some winks and raised eyebrows. Whatever. This was happening right now, and that’s what matters.

The song slows down, nearing its ending and Yamada pulls away slowly, lowering himself from adjusting to accommodate Yuto’s height.

The taller boy flutters his eyelids open, his eyes seeming to be fuller now. More complete and content.

Yamada smiles at him, bites his lip in somewhat embarrassment and shyness and goddamn it he feels like he’s 11 all over again, listening to Yuto tell him that they’re going to be with each other always from then on.

“I love you,”

And _of course_.

Of course he does that.

In front of all of their members, seconds away from opening their show in Yokohama, clad in red and gold sparkles with his stupid attractive face and even more attractive voice.

Freakin’ Nakajima Yuto.

Yamada’s a little shy to say it back, suddenly very aware of the audience they have, so he bites his lip again, nods twice and whispers a “Same here,” in return. The way Yuto’s face lights up makes him so happy he wants to take a million pictures of it and put them all in billboards for the whole of Japan to see.

They finally let go as they go to their positions, and Yamada takes another deep breath, looking once to his left, spotting Yuto again.

His heart thumps, but his nervousness fades away, replaced by the unending amount of happiness he has because of the boy standing just two feet away from him.

And then it starts.

 _Because tonight is a night to remember_.

**Author's Note:**

> These two are the death of me and my feels. Still thinking if I should join the yyexchange2016 or not, idk. Thoughts?


End file.
